Where do I go from here...

I know it has been a while since I have posted. Not only has it been a while but it has been a journey. I know I am not through this journey infact I can not even see the end ahead. I think that is a good thing. I have come to realize the journey did not just start with my recent pain the past few years. The journey started on October 11th my birthday. I realize that God created me for a purpose and I have been living my own purpose and my own desires for my life. I am thankful in the midst of my successes and failures in life he has embrassed me in all of them. He has, and is, giving me a story and a life to share. I have to say that I am not alone and I know this. Even in the midst of some lonely times He embraces me in such a way that awes me. What a Beloved. There are a lot of things that don't make sense and little by little I am settling down to know that this is OK. Life doesn't have to always make sense. I do not know where I am going from here...but I know He is leading me. My trust is in Him and I pray that The Lord will keep me close at His side and my eyes fully focused on Him. Life is hard. So, where do I go from here...I am glad He knows. I have no idea. At one time in my life I would have been frightened by that idea. Now, I am just taking one step at a time and trusting My Beloved. The Lover of my soul.

Surving life with a HEAVY heart

When I feel the worlds against me
Left me in the cold
Thinking I’ve been forgotten
Out there on my own
I close my eyes and in the silence
I hear a voice so clear
Reminding me your love
Is always right here
Within me- all of my doubts disappear
there’s nothing to fear
your loves within me
You give me the strength to believe
All that I am and all that I’ll ever need
Is within me
When my spirit’s all but broken
I am humbled to the bone
I’m searching for the grace
To find my way home
I take a breath, a slow deep breath
And feel a sense of calm
Then the hurt in my heart is suddenly gone
Within me
you wiped away all my tears
There’s nothing to fear-your loves within me
You give me the strength to believe
all that I am and all that I’ll ever need is within me
No one can take that away
Cause this feeling inside keeps me alive
What keeps me going when I want to give up
Is knowing that I’ll always have your love within me
You wipe away all my tears and there’s nothing to fear
Your love’s with in me
You give me the strength to believe
All that I have
All that I will ever need
Is within me
You wipe away all my tears
You give me the strength to believe
Your love is within me

Unexpected Surprise

Check these little snow babies out...aren't they adorable. Chastity woke up early this Sunday morning and squealed with excitement. To our surprise we were amazed when we looked outside and saw the snow. The tree's covered with snow were picture perfect. To see the excitement Chastity and Cherish shared in something so simple was refreshing.

These past few years have had its share of surprises,mostly not so good. So, I eagerly welcomed the unexpected surprise of a simple but beautiful snow fall. I am slowly learning to breath again and see things differently. It is a challenge to welcome memories without experiencing pain. I tend to want to think of them as shattered memories. I pray that the Lord will help me to hang on to memories that are so dear to me like raising my children and watching them play in the snow. And, to continue to share in the lives of my children and grandchildren. These are moments that will make more memories. My grieving self would like to run away as far as I could and not endure any pain. Then there is reality, no place like that to run. I choose to cling to My Savior and draw on His strength to continue this journey. I believe in doing this He will show me how to live every moment in life and how to endure the tough times and how to enjoy the special times.

I thank My Lord for simple things in life such as snow falls. I love you Lord, You never cease to amaze me.

Love is...
Being in the arms of someone you love.
Having someone you cherish and want to spend the rest of your life with.
Having a moment with someone that gives you a feeling clean down to your toes.
Embracing the one you love with every breath you take.
Knowing the one who holds you in his arms will never let you go.
Resting in His arms and feeling protected.
Knowing the one who holds you loves you just for who you are.
Being pursued, sought after, and chosen.

With each, Love is...statement there is a bond. Someone is attached to someone. Each one gives you a feeling of acceptance and a feeling of being cherished.

A famous scripture that many know by memory...is perfect for Valentine's Day.

For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son that whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life.
John 3 :16

Did you hear that? Whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life. That means forever.
Now for those who are reading that is My Beloved who speaks those word. And through my most painful moments He has spoken to my heart through His word. I am forever grateful.
I would like to end this posting with no matter what you are going through He is there for you. But, more importantly do you know Him? Do you know that He is seeking after you and wants to have a love relationship with you? He wants to give you eternal life. And, that my friend is TRUE LOVE.

Broken & Beautiful

January 25, 2009
A visit to the gulf shores to spend time with My Beloved turned out to be more than I expected. This weekend was intended to dive into His word and write a term paper for my class “The Life of Christ”.
Oh thank you My Beloved for your Holy word that speaks to my soul. Through this study of the crucifixion, I realize so boldly how You feel my heart beat through your experience of betrayal and rejection. I could go through life feeling so unworthy, so lonely but then I am snapped back to reality by My Precious Savior to know He chose me…He created me…He will never leave me…and He loves me unconditionally.
I am My Beloveds
And He is mine
7:30AM for all you morning people I spent this time alone with My Savior on the beach…walking, talking, and singing with Him.
Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus. Majesty worship His Majesty. Jesus….Jesus…Jesus, there’s just something about His name, Master…Savior…JESUS.
As I walked the shore line and listened to the sound of the waves. The roar of the ocean was so peaceful. I was embraced by His presence. It was as if everything around me in my soul and head vanished. I was in a moment just me and My Beloved. Walking in the fresh cool breeze of the ocean that My Lord has created. With each foot print of mine trailed His invisible foot print spending time with me. To all who reads do you get it? I was not alone. Readers hold on, the best is yet to come. After speaking to the Lord and singing His praises he began to talk to me. I walked along picking up shells with color, wholeness, and shapes that I was attracted to. I passed a woman that had a bag of big perfect shells and asked her how long she had been out here. She stated around 7:00AM. I told her she had found some treasures. I carried on and tried to find the perfect shells. Just a few steps away I saw a Big shell and my instant thought was this woman had missed a beauty. Then as I got closer I noticed it was cracked with a good size hole. I started to walk away and the Lord spoke to my soul and I heard the words
Broken and Beautiful

At that moment I realized, that is what it’s about. What the world means to throw away and step over or even step on. Is God’s creation. I had been careful not to step on the perfect shells so that I would not crush them…as I continued my walk I was picking up the perfect broken shells and started to see the beautiful colors and shapes they had. I also realized that I could use my imagination to see what the shells could look like. I had a smile in my heart. I felt the Lord speak the words my child you are beautiful. And instantly I wanted to say no, I can’t see that. But, He did not let me rest there. The Lord rushed to my soul and said I created you, I chose you, and you are mine….that is when I felt Beautiful.

He has created you and me to be exactly who we are. Our beauty is represented inside and out. He has chosen me and you to spend eternity with Him. We are His forever.

You created my inmost being; you knit me together
in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am
fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
Psalm 139:13-14

Continuing my walk I had a few of the world’s perfect shells in my right pocket and an overflowing left pocket of broken shells. Both hands full of broken shells I passed a man,
He said to me looks like you have found treasures. Beaming I smiled and said I sure did.
For the first time I realize we're all broken in some way at some moment in life. In fact we don’t get to choose our brokenness. But we do get to choose the way we deal with it.
FOREVER HIS
My Beloved continue to speak to my heart,
reveal yourself to me in ways that I know
is only of you.

When I looked up the word broken in the Thesaurus I found
Shattered
Defeated
Cracked
Smashed
Damaged
Ruined
Destroyed
Without Hope
Defeated
Crushed
Can you identify with any of these? I can and if it were not for His Amazing Grace I could be stuck here.
…..The Lord does not look at the things man looks at.
Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.
1Samuel 16:7

I would like to take a moment to thank my friend Amy from Atlanta who met me at the beach. This was a big step for me. Seems like in the past few months I have had many big steps or I could say first in my new roll as single person. I am learning life doesn’t always go the way we like it. However, in embracing the moments I am choosing not be ruled by my circumstance and the roller coaster of emotions.
Amy, you will never know just what it meant to me to have you there as emotional support. For those of you who don't know. Amy and I met while I was living in Waynesboro, VA and have never loss touch with each other. There is no doubt that the Lord crossed our paths and I am forever grateful.

Surviving Christmas & Surviving Life

Do you wish you could sleep through this Christmas?

Better yet do you have any idea how you are going to survive this life?

I find myself wondering through life without much ability to navigate at this moment. Actually I feel like I am hanging onto a life raft being tossed about. I feel the sea is raging all around me. Who would have thought I would be where I am today. Awaiting my final papers from the courts. Attempting to do the Christmas thing without a nervous breakdown. I choose to thank him in the midst of my trials and pain. I choose to call on the name of Jesus and be embraced by My Beloved. One thing for sure is My Lord knew what I would be going through today. And, better yet My Lord knows what tomorrow holds. I am alive and breathing. And, my faith is in Him. Lord speak to my heart and guide my every foot step on this journey.

You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.Psalm 16:11

In the midst of our turmoil....

He Himself is our peace according to Ephesians 2:14

And the peace of God which transcends all understanding,

will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7

Is He your Peace on Earth?

Psalm 30

I will exalt you, O Lord, for you lifted me out of the depths
and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
O Lord my God, I called to you for help and you healed me.
O Lord you brought me up from the grave, you spared me from going down into the pit.
Sing to the Lord, you saints of his; praise His Holy name.
For his anger last only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping many remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.
When I felt secure, I said, "I will never be shaken."
O Lord when you favored me, you made my mountain stand firm;
but when you hid your face I was dismayed.
To you, O Lord, I called; to the Lord I cried for mercy;
What gain is there in my destruction, in my going down into the pit?
Will the dust praise you? Will it proclaim your faithfulness?
Hear, O Lord, and be merciful to me; O Lord be my help."
You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth

and clothed me with joy,
that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever.